“Just be more positive, smile more”
If I had a pound for every time someone said these words to me I would be a very rich woman living somewhere hot with copious amounts of staff waiting on me, maybe that’s the way to achieve perfect mental stability. Every time I hear these words being thrown at me or posted on social media I feel like screaming ” thanks Karen, if only smiling could solve my deep rooted depression and anxiety that many doctors, therapists and pills have tried and failed to get rid of.”
The best way to describe depression for me is to imagine a dementor from Harry Potter. You know those dark shadows, you never really see their faces but they suck the life out of people. That’s what depression feels like to me. No matter where I go or how hard I try, I have a stupid bloody dementor following me sucking the fun out of my life which no one else can see or feel but me! If you think it sounds like hard work then I tell you now it’s ten times harder. I envy easy going people who seem like they have nothing to worry about, the sad thing is that I believe a ‘ good mental health ‘ doesn’t really exist, maybe in a very few lucky people somewhere in the world (probably somewhere hot with copious amounts of staff). On a serious note though, when do you ever meet someone who doesn’t worry about something so ridiculous, or someone who doesn’t just feel shitty for absolutely no reason or that good old saying ‘ woke up on the wrong side of the bed ‘ THIS IS A REAL THING!!!! No one has a ‘ perfect mental health ‘ people have good days and bad days but when the bad days start to take over and stick around longer than the good days then you’re in trouble and you’ll soon see and feel some of the dementors I was speaking about following you around wherever you go. Add some anxiety into the mix and you’re really having a tough time, and I’m not just talking about worrying if you have left the oven on or not locked the front door, I’m talking about the constant worrying about every thing you say, thinking about things you said 7 years prior and how stupid you felt, not wanting to go outside because you fear something will happen to you. Anxiety and depression are the worst types of bitches, think Regina George from mean girls times one thousand and you’ve got it. I have had enough of Regina George so I’m going to try my hardest to fight the bitch off and hope she gets hit by a bus ( you’ll know what I’m talking about if you have seen mean girls).
Below are a few things that work and do not work for me. Meditation deep breathing and having ‘ quiet me time ‘ does not work. How am I supposed to meditate for a whole 15 minutes focusing on my breathing when all I can think about is how stupid I must have sounded when I had made a joke earlier on in the day or thinking about how I embarrassed myself two years ago on a work night out ( yes this is a thing for me). I CANNOT shut my brain off. Not even in my sleep as I have been told many times that I have conversations with myself when I’m semi unconscious. So meditation is not for me. I need something that keeps me busy, tricks my mind to stop thinking about the rubbish I’m worrying about and to focus on something different, for example going to the gym, doing yoga or reading a book so you’re taken somewhere else in your thoughts, planted in a fantasy land. Sometimes the best thing for me is to turn my music up so loud and sing along, I then physically cannot think about anything else because I have given myself such a headache from my horrendous singing that it now hurts to think! I wouldn’t recommend the last one but music does help with anxiety as well as lifting your mood. If all else fails then I like to turn on the Jeremy Kyle show and really make myself feel better about my life, because my whole world could be falling apart but at least I have all my teeth…